Post-Factum: Nach Chanukka und Weihnachten – was ist eigentlich der Unterschied?

Die zeitliche Nähe bringt die Vermutung mit sich, es handle sich um ähnliche Anlässe; nichts könnte fälscher sein, aber die meisten Erklärungen sind recht langatmig. Ein lieber Freund hat mir soeben eine 12-teilige Erklärung geliefert, die recht kurz und (darum!) lesenswert ist.

Christmas vs Chanukah     

Should anyone ask you the difference between Christmas and Chanukah you will know what and how to answer:

    1. Christmas is one day, same day every year, December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It’s another paid day off work. We go to the movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing.

Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don’t look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other Jewish funeral home. 
 
2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let’s eat. 
 
3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos, etc. Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf. 
 
4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc. 
 
5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah. 
 
6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah.  Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis. 
 
7. Christmas carols are beautiful…Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful.  Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols  were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don’t Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully? 
 
8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes and onions. The home, as always,  is full of loud people all talking at once. 
 
9. Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes on Chanukah.  Another reminder of our suffering through the ages. 
 
10. Parents deliver presents to their children during Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights 
 
11. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus  side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history. 
 
12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, “Yossela, Bubela,  snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn’t sleep with her, and now you  want to blame G-d? Here’s the number of my shrink”. 

In diesem Sinn: Schöne Feiertage, welche auch immer, und ein glückliches Neues Jahr!